Difficult Conversations: The "Identity Conversation" (#4 of 4)

In our last post, we discussed how feelings affect difficult conversations. Conversations can also be difficult because the underlying situation being discussed threatens our identity, or sense of self, in some way. We have a view of who we are, and we react strongly when we believe our identity has been attacked. Identity conversations can be painful because they force us to consider possible discrepancies between the way we see ourselves and the way others see us.

To change a difficult identity conversation into a learning conversation requires a measure of introspection. When our identities are threatened, we tend to see the perceived threat in stark terms: if I’m not “good” in your eyes this means I must be “bad.” For example, we may perceive our supervisor’s corrections to our work product as meaning our supervisor thinks we are incompetent.

In fact, our identities are complex and layered. It is possible that some aspect of what another person believes about us can be true without it meaning that everything this person believes about us is true. When we have a layered, nuanced understanding of ourselves we recognize that the totality of who we are is not negated by another person’s opinions. We will be better able to accept feedback and engage others on topics that would have threatened us in the past.