Difficult Conversations: Changing the "Feelings Conversation" (#3 of 4)
As we explored in the previous post, conversations can be difficult for us to have for a variety of reasons. Often the difficulty springs from the fact that the matter being discussed provokes deep or intense feelings we do not know how to deal with.
When having a “Feelings Conversation” a person may experience strong emotions but be afraid to acknowledge or reveal these emotions. Alternatively, a person may experience strong emotions and lash out at the other party, often believing the other person is the cause of these emotions. Neither of these reactions provides space for joint problem sharing and resolution.
Our emotions tell us something about ourselves and the situations we are in. It is possible to acknowledge and share one’s feelings without blame, while acknowledging the other party’s emotions with empathy. We can change a “Feelings Conversation” into a problem-solving conversation by being nonjudgmental and taking careful note of both our feelings and the feelings of the other person.
The Feelings Conversation
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The Feelings Conversation Challenge: The situation is emotionally charged. |
Old Assumption: Feelings are irrelevant and wouldn’t be helpful to share. Or my feelings are their fault, and they need to hear about them
Goal: Avoid talking about feelings - (or let ’em have it!) |
New Assumption: Feelings are the heart of the situation. Feelings are usually complex. I may have to dig a bit to understand my feelings.
Goal: Address feelings (mine and theirs) without judgment or attributions. Acknowledge feelings before problem-solving. |
NEXT POST: The Identity Conversation